Maddy

__﻿ Maddy McLaren__  __ Societal Imperfections __

1.Your name 2. An Approved Topic: Many of the critical ideas in //The Chrysalids// are pointed directly at the shortcomings of David's life and, indirectly, at our society.

3. Brainstorming Worksheet 4. Essay Outline 5. First Draft of your Essay 6. Peer Comments - Group Members 7. Good Copy in MLA format

__Requirements for Editing__

Group Members: Jasper, Tian and Semaon

Jasper- Introduction Paragraph 1.Does the introduction paragraph grab your attention? Does it anticipates an insightful thesis? 2.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?

Tian- Body Paragraphs 1.How well are the quotations integrated and analysed? Have they been chosen with care and taken from a variety of chapters? The quotations are nicely integrated into the paragraphs and analysed. Good job on not referring the quotation as a quotation. The quotes were chosen from a variety of paragraphs. 2.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay? The arguments are nicely developed although there are some parts that are off-topic.

Semaon- Concluding Paragraph 1.Does the conclusion include a reworded thesis, summary. 2. Does the conclusion have a memorable ending? 3.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?

__ Outline: __

Thesi s : //The Chrysalids// suggests that no matter how advanced society becomes imperfections will exist. ( take out the commas (explain to me why you should take them out) ( ﻿ A comma is for a pause. No pause is necessary where I placed the commas.) lol!! yes and no, it's about the //essential information// that you wish to convey to your reader. Do not use the pause rule to "guess" where a comma should go. There are many rules of comma usage; it's one of the toughest of punctuations to use correctly

Brainstorming Worksheet: Intr ﻿ o:

Body 1: Discrimination - as a shortcoming in the novel and in society.

Body 2: Violence - as a shortcoming in the novel and in society.

Body 3: Misogyny*? Does this work? - as a shortcoming in the novel and in society.

Conclusion:

__ Introduction: __


 * People will always look for ways to critique others.
 * Society will even go do far that they judge their own friends.
 * In //The Chrysalids,// the characters criticize each other to the limit.
 * They are like bees, always looking for someone to sting.

Intro Draft 1: People will always look for ways to critique others. Even in their minds, people will judge others. They judge their complete strangers, their friends and their family. In // The Chrysalids//, the characters criticize each other to the point that they decide to kill their own friends. John Whyndam, wrote his book in a way that humans how awful we really are. Society may be able to progress in terms of technogly but there are parts of our culture that stay behind. //The Chrysalids// suggests that no matter how advanced society becomes imperfections will exist.

Into Draft 2: People will always look for ways to critique others. Even in their minds, society will judge. They talk about complete strangers, their friends and their family behind their backs. In // The Chrysalids,// the characters criticize each other to the point that they decide to kill their own friends. John Whyndam, wrote his book in a way that makes humans realize how awful they really are. Society may be able to progress in terms of technolgy but there are parts of humanity that will never change. //The Chrysalids// suggests that no matter how advanced society becomes imperfections will exist.

Into Draft 3: People will always look for ways to critique others. They judge complete take out complete strangers, their friends and their family (isnt that everyone?) behind their backs. In // The Chrysalids,// the characters criticize each other to the point of killing (critiscism dosnt kill) their own friends because they are different from them. John Whyndam wrote his book in a way that makes humans realize how awful they really are (reword this ). Society may be able to progress in terms of technolgy but some negative aspects of humanity will never change. //The Chrysalids// suggests that no matter how advanced society becomes imperfections will exist.

Intro Draft 4: People will always look for ways to critique others. They judge everyone to their faces and behind their backs. In //The Chrysalids//, the characters kill their own friends because they are differnet. John Whyndam wrote his book in a way that makes humans realize their flaws. Society may be able to progress in terms of techonoly but some negative aspects of humanity will never change. //The Chrysalids// suggests that no matter how advanced society becomes imperfections will exist.

Intro Draft 5: People will always look for ways to critique others. They judge constantly, always trying to find another person to pick on. In //The Chrysalids//, the characters will send their friends away in seconds without thinking twice because of slight differences. John Whyndam wrote his book in a way that makes humans realize their flaws. Society may be able to progress in terms of techonoly but some aspects of humanity will never change. //The Chrysalids// suggests that no matter how advanced society becomes imperfections will exist.

__ Body Paragraph One: __

Discrimination: as a shortcoming in the novel and in today's society.


 * Page 26: "I - I s-said I couldn't manage to tie it for myself," I told him. His eyes became less incredulous, more accusing. "And you wished you had a third hand!" "No, father. I only said if i had another hand..." "...you would be able to tie it. If that was not a wish, what was it?" "I only meant if," I protested. ﻿How does this relate to discrimination? check the definition of discrimination. This quote dosn't prove discrimination, but rather how david's dad is paranoid, and asks extra questions. Discrimination is, for example, not allowing someone to get on a bus because they are black. David wasn't exactly discrimanated agaisnt. Get a point that proves how his dad discriminates against people.
 * This quote proves that David's father "points fingers" at people. Even his own children. It is indirectly describing discrimination because if David's father saw someone with an extra hand he would discriminate against them.
 * Page 70: "'It's such a little thing, you see. It's nothing much.' //'Nothing much!'// snapped my mother. 'You have the effrontery^ to bring your monster into my house, and tell me it's //nothing much!'// '//Monster!//' Aunt Harriet's voice sounded as though she had been slapped."
 * This quote clearly deals with discrimination. Emily goes from loving her new niece to calling her monster just because of a small blemish on the baby's skin.

Body 1 Draft 1: Discrimination is one of the shortcomings in //The Chrysalids.// It was crucial for John Wyndham to incorporate this into the novel because it is a serious problem that society deals with today. Through out the whole book there are examples of discrimination. When Aunt Harriet comes to visit David's mother, a clear statement of discrimination is reveled. "'It's such a little thing, you see. It's nothing much.' //'Nothing much!'// snapped my mother. 'You have the effrontery to bring your monster into my house, and tell me it's //nothing much!'// '//Monster!//' Aunt Harriet's voice sounded as though she had been slapped."(Page 70) Because of what she has been taught to do, Emily goes (informal) from loving her new niece to calling her monster. No matter how big or small the offence is, the people of Waknuk will deal with it by either death ( death is not a verb) or (by) sending the person away. In today's society, we are not as extreme. If people today saw someone who was different, they would make fun (sterotypical) of them or ignore them. Either way, discrimination is a awful thing. It hurts people to an extent that they have to die (does it really?). Despite the way our society tries to cover discrimination up (reword), it is unacceptable; (.) which. is the message John Whyndham was trying to get a crossed. (this point is unnecessary).

Body 1 Draft 2: It was crucial for John Wyndham to incorporate discrimination into the novel because it is a serious problem that society faces today. Throughout the whole book there are examples of discrimination. When Aunt Harriet comes to visit David’s mother, a clear statement of discrimination is revealed. “‘It’s such a little thing, you see. It’s nothing much.’ ‘//Nothing much!//’ snapped my mother. ‘You have the effrontery to bring your monster into my house, and tell me it’s //nothing much!//’ ‘//Monster!//’ Aunt Harriet’s voice sounded as though she had been slapped.’” (Page 70) Because she had learned discrimination from an early age, Emily goes from loving her new niece to calling her a monster. No matter how big or small the offence, the people of Waknuk dealt with it by either killing the person or sending them away. Society’s laws today protect people from these extreme situations. However, people that are different can still be the target of cruel jokes and isolation. Either way, discrimination is an awful feature of society. Likely, the author writes about physical death because when a person faces discrimination they feel like they are dying. Despite how much modern society tries to overcome the problem, the author reminds us that discrimination can exist in subtle forms. Moreover, this kind of discrimination can be just as harmful.

Body 1 Draft 3:

__ Body Paragraph Two: __

Violence: as a shortcoming in the novel and in today's society.


 * When David was forced to admit to his father that he knew about Sophie, he would not do it at first (Takes place of page 51). His father demanded to know where he was all night. Yet David would not tell him until his father got out the whip. This violence still happens today. Parents become angry with their children and become violent.
 * Discrimination also often leads to violence. This is another problem that exists in today's society and in Waknuk.

Body 2 Draft 1: Violence is caused for many reasons( Reword) (combine this into one sentece. For example: Violence exists in today's society as well as). It exists in today's society as well as the society of Waknuk. When David's father becomes angry with him because he ( who is this "he" refering to?) will not admit to helping Sophie escape, Joseph ( Nowhere in your essay did you ever refer to Joseph as David's father. The reader would not know that Joseph is David's father. Pretend that the reader of the essay has never read the book) hits him until he tells the truth. At the end of page 52, David lies in bed, after his whipping, wishing he could have kept Sophie's secret. "'I couldn't help it, Sophie,' I sobbed, 'I couldn't help it.'" It is awful that people in today's society and in Waknuk have to go through their own parents hitting them. There are parts of (in) //The Chrysalids// where discrimination leads to violence. When David's father kills animals it is because they are different. John Wyndham was also trying to prove that we should not become violent because someone is different from us. This happens in society today. Perhaps not as extreme as the violence that Wyndham writes about today's society is no better than Waknuk. In both society's there are good people and other people who are violent. This was another point that Wyndham proved. Society has hope to improve their ( Refer to society as it) shortcomings because of people like David.

Try rewording and combining sentences so you get better flow.

Body 2 Draft 2:

Violence exists in today’s society as well as in the town of Waknuk. David’s father became angry with his son because he did not admit to helping Sophie, a deviation, escape. Because of this David’s father decides to hit him. At the end of page 52 David lies in bed after his whipping, wishing he could have kept Sophie’s secret. “‘I couldn’t help it, Sophie,’ I sobbed, ‘I couldn’t help it,’” The implication that the author makes is that David’s beating is even worse since he was standing up for his friend. Child abuse still takes place today. There are many examples in //The Chrysalids// where discrimination leads to violence. David’s father kills animals because they are slightly different from other animals of their species. John Wyndham suggests that people should not exert violence towards someone who is different. In Waknuk and modern day there are good hearted people and other people who are violent. Society will only improve if people like David prevail.

__ Body Paragraph Three: __

Misogyny as a shortcoming in the novel and in today's society.


 * Women are treated unfairly in today's society and in thesociety of Waknuk.
 * Tian, do you know what page the quote about women being burnt and their babies being killed when they are deviated is on? I cant seem to find it. :(

Body 3 Draft 1: Misogyny is an existing problem in the society of Waknuk and the society of modern day. Women have always thought to be less superior than men. The reader can tell that John Wyndham was trying to show that women are treated unfairly in society.

__Conclusion:__

Conclusion Draft 1: John Wyndham suggests that all societies have many flaws. Throughout his novel, he makes the reader realize that modern society is no better than the society of Waknuk. All societies have problems such as discrimination, violence and misogyny. There is no way to prevent these situations but humans can attempt to condense such issues The world needs people like David to build a better life for all of humanity. Through constant judging and learning, the dream of John Wyndham will some day, come true.

__ Definitions: __

^Effrontery: boldness, insolent, disrespectful, rude
 * Misogyny: hatred, dislike or mistrust of women.