Sean+Lo

1.Sean Lo 2. An Approved Topic 3. Brainstorming Worksheet 4. Essay Outline 5. First Draft of your Essay 6. Alex, Malik , Polina 7. Good Copy in MLA format

Person 1 - Introduction Paragraph Throughout time, the society of man(?) try to keep it bi-gender has changed take out "our" tell me why. If you wish to refer to our society, there are other ways you can let your reader know that's what you mean. Nowadays, long distance travels have been made easier through the use of airplanes, cars have become more fuel efficient, and practically everything can be found on the Internet try to keep words parallel. It seems as though there are no ends as to what can be achieved awkward wording. Yet there are many problems that will hinder progress in society. Fear is one of them. John Wyndham, the author of __The Chrysalids__, demonstrates this idea really well ﻿﻿by? try to keep the sentence going. Take Waknuk and the Fringes for example. Constant fear between one another caused these societies to spiral into an apocalyptic mess, an event that may happen in life(?). confusing thesis structure funnel structure needs editing, thesis needs to be a bit more general (i.e connect to real life) avoid personal language

First of all, try not to be so mechanical,and maybe find a stronger way of beginning the paragraph. signs of fear in Waknuk are evident .<-try, "fear is evident in Waknuk." It is awkward phrasing. People like Joseph Strorm are taking actions to prevent the spread of mutants. Quotes such as “Watch thou for the mutant” and “The devil is the father of Deviation” ( pg. 18) I don't think "pg" is necessary help promote fear in Waknuk, ﻿ while strict law enforcement (burning blasphemies, reporting any mutants etcetera) prohibits any friendly interactions with Deviations. They’ve even gone as far as sterilizing them before sending them to the Fringes. It does not stop there. In Waknuk, fear spreads like a virus. Young minds are constantly tainted with the image of horrendous Deviations such as the notorious, yet fictitious, “Harry Jack”, while news of raids, made by the Fringes, have riled up fear in areas around Waknuk. (On page 21, Wyndham wrote, “Nowadays, however, it was not only the small children who lived in nervous awareness of the Fringes people not so far away. Their existence had become a dangerous nuisance and their depredations the cause of many representations to the Government in Rigo”.) As a result, such events and attacks have led the people of Waknuk to hate. Suspicion is always on the rise and any Deviations found are severely mistreated and left in the Fringes to suffer. On page 120, Michael, a telepath, stated that, “if worst comes to the worst, and you can’t save Petra, it would be kinder to kill her than let her go to sterilization and banishment to the Fringes”. The outcome of it is that Waknuk has become an estranged and unwelcoming society- a victim of fear. I think that this first body paragraph is very strong. The only thing is, it sometimes feels like there are too many quotes. Consider whether all of them contribute to your thesis, and delete the ones that don't.

To the Deviations who end up in the Fringes, life is a living nightmare. nightmare.  This first sentence can be stronger. Try and relate it more to the idea of fear,since it is your topic. Starting in Waknuk, they constantly worry about having their big secret exposed to the public. On page 120, Michael tells the following to the group: “Don’t do anything unusual or you may cause them to pounce, on suspicion”. Yet once these Deviations are caught, they will be sterilized and sent to the Fringes. Waknuk, compared to the Fringes, has a superior military power and they, the people of the Fringes, know, which is why they do not try to overthrow Waknuk (except for the occasional raid). The people of the Fringes have very poor weapons and military standards compared to Waknuk and even the people of Waknuk consider the Fringes people to be “more of a nuisance than a menace” (pg. 21). Finally, in response to their decreasing land by Waknuk, the people of the Fringes have learned, through fear of annexation, to become more cautious. In chapter 14 (pg.151), when asked about the ambush made by the Deviations, Petra said, “Well, first they dropped down on us, and then a lot more came out of the trees and steadied the horses. They made us get down and lifted David down.Then when they’d talked and argued for a bit, they decided to get rid of us”. All in all, for the people of the Fringes, their path lays riddled with hardships and every step they take is filled with fear.  There are some fluidity issues throughout this paragraph. There are many good ideas but try to connect them better.

Looking back in time, one can see and compare how much mankind has grown. For example, long distance travels have been made easy through the use of airplanes, cars are more fuel-efficient and medicines and treatments have started to become more practical. It seems that the growth and possibilities are endless. Yet, there are many problems that will hinder the progress in today’s society. Fear is one of them. Take Waknuk and the Fringes for example. John Wyndham, author of __The Chrysalids__, demonstrates the idea of fear really well by pitting them against each other. Wyndham’s use of fear mirrors that of mankind through these apocalyptic societies.

Not only is fear common in Waknuk, it is also the cause of many great ordeals. People like Joseph Strorm are taking actions to prevent the spread of mutants. Quotes such as “Watch thou for the mutant” and “The devil is the father of Deviation” help promote fear in Waknuk, while strict law enforcement (burning blasphemies, reporting any mutants etcetera) prohibits any friendly interactions with Deviations. They have even gone as far as sterilizing them before sending them to the Fringes. It does not stop there. In Waknuk, fear spreads like a virus. Young minds are constantly tainted with the image of horrendous Deviations such as the notorious, yet fictitious, “Harry Jack”, while news of raids, made by the Fringes, have riled up fear in areas around Waknuk. (On page 21, Wyndham wrote, “Nowadays, however, it was not only the small children who lived in nervous awareness of the Fringes people not so far away. Their existence had become a dangerous nuisance and their depredations the cause of many representations to the Government in Rigo”.) As a result, such events and attacks have led the people of Waknuk to hate. Suspicion is always on the rise and any Deviations found are severely mistreated and left in the Fringes to suffer. On page 120, Michael, a telepath, stated that, “if worst comes to the worst, and you can’t save Petra, it would be kinder to kill her than let her go to sterilization and banishment to the Fringes”. The outcome of it is that Waknuk has become an estranged and unwelcoming society- a victim of fear.

To the Deviations who end up in the Fringes, life is a nightmare wrought with constant fear. Starting in Waknuk, they continuously worry about having their big secret exposed to the public. On page 120, Michael tells the following to the group: “Don’t do anything unusual or you may cause them to pounce, on suspicion”. In Waknuk, however, hardly anything goes amiss, and once these Deviations are caught, they will be sterilized and sent to the Fringes. Because Waknuk has a far superior military power compared to the Fringes, the people of the Fringes are forced to lay low (except for the occasional raid). The people of the Fringes have very poor weapons and military standards compared to Waknuk and even the people of Waknuk consider the Fringes people to be “more of a nuisance than a menace” (pg. 21). Finally, in response to their decreasing land by Waknuk, the people of the Fringes have learned, through fear of annexation, to become more cautious. In chapter 14 (pg.151), when asked about the ambush made by the Deviations, Petra said, “Well, first they dropped down on us, and then a lot more came out of the trees and steadied the horses. They made us get down and lifted David down. Then when they’d talked and argued for a bit, they decided to get rid of us”. All in all, for the people of the Fringes, their path lays riddled with hardships and every step they take is filled with fear.

Consequently, the actions of these societies have led to devastating results. Because of their fear, both societies have started to despise each other. In Waknuk, it is said that “The devil is the father of Deviation”, while one man in the Fringes claims, in chapter 14, “It's your parts where the old Devil's hanging on and looking after his own.” Now, because of their bitterness and fear, they are constantly at war, trying to grab at each other’s throat. Because of this, both societies have become a dystopia. Waknuk is described as an unwelcome and fundamentalist place (in chapter three, while talking to David, Joseph Strorm says, “Now go to your room, and pray. Pray, you wretched boy for a forgiveness you do not deserve, but which God, in His mercy, may yet grant you. I will come to you later.”), while the Fringes is a place of poverty (for this was David’s thought of Sophie’s home in the Fringes: “I sat looking at the shadows that danced on the rock walls, listening to the plop-plop-plop of the drips. And very likely, I told myself, this is luxury, in the Fringes.”) Neither place is ideal nor will any outcomes of it ever turn out all right until they put an end to their fear.

All in all, because of fear, these societies have been forced to live like savages. They constantly harass each other while trying to avoid retaliation. Although John Wyndham’s book puts fear to the extreme, his perspective of both Waknuk and the Fringes’ society is not so different from today’s society. Prejudice plays a large role in the setbacks of mankind. People have been judging and discriminating each other based on their looks, gender, interests and so forth. They will think it’s not “normal” and will as a result, treat them poorly. Both the victim(s) and bully(ies) will at some point harbour fear of each other and, though they may not revolt like how Waknuk and the Fringes did, neither side will be content or secure with themselves. In the end, nothing good can possibly come out of fear, for ordeal is the only outcome.