Matthew+Chun

= __**Matthew Chun's Essay**__ =

__**1.Your name**__ Matthew Chun

__**2. An Approved Topic **__ Topic #4: Women are important to David Strorm. discuss the effects of three women on his life. What does each woman do for David?

__**3. Brainstorming Worksheet**__ []
 * References: **

**Thesis**: *Through their very own life experiences and difficulties, the women in David's life have given him brand new eyes to see through and a fresh pair of shoes to walk in.* Thesis needs editing, far too flowery. Keep your thesis clear and direct

**Thesis ﻿V2**: *In The Chrysalids, David's interpretation of Waknuk's society is altered by his relationship to Sophie, Petra and Aunt Harriot.* ( substantially better thesis, i made some minor changes to it, but it's great!)

-Explanation of the special connections women are able to build with people, in comparison to men. When a child is encased in the mother's womb, it is the closest a child ever is to their mother. As the baby experiences a stage of true dormancy, a very special bond is built, both physical and mental. However, once the child comes out, only one of the bonds is cut. Which one was it? ...
 * Introductory Paragraph**:

V2: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. This is the title of a book can be a simple representation concerning the differences between men and women. Reword: ( Th is book title provides a simple representation concerning the differences between men and women.) Mars represents the god of war, and is an easy way to explain how men can resort to more forceful methods when it comes to resolving conflicts. Reword(Mars being the God of war, provides evidence tat men prefer force when resolving a conflict). On the other hand, women are known for their compassion and bonds with all people. This is why they are said to originate from Venus, since she is the goddess of love. Reword:(This is why they are said to originate from Venus, since Venus is the Goddess of love). . [Throughout all of the wars the world has faced, women have been forbidden to fight.] ﻿ This does not really relate since it does not show that women are compassionate just that they were not allowed to fight. It is known that children will always feel closer to their mother, because for the nine months the woman has carried the child, a strong relationship and bond was formed and refined. Reword, and indicate that it is the same quote from the beginning Eg. This is indicated/proven in the previous quote. This allows them to get closer to each other, and let's them listen. Lets them listen to what? Be more specific. .This innate ability of strong bonding and relationships that women have is one of the building blocks that shaped David's life. Relationships are the connections between two parties and the people in them can finally see what truly matters, the human qualities inside. In The Chrysalids, David's interpretation of Waknuk's society is altered by his relationship with Sophie, Aunt Harriot and Petra.

V3 - Retyped from above ^ edits. Some people say that m en are from Mars and women are from Venus. This short but witty quote can be a simple representation concerning the differences between men and women. Mars represents the god of war, and is an easy way to explain how men can resort to more forceful methods when it comes to resolving conflicts. On the other hand, women are known for their compassion and bonds with all people. This is why they are said to originate from Venus, since she is the goddess of love. The women in //The Chrysalids// are no different than women in today's society, in that they still build strong, life changing relationships, despite being very ethically misinformed. This innate ability of strong bonding and relationships that the women have is the brick and mortar that seals together David's life. David's relationships aid him in seeing through the thick veil that Waknuk has created, and lets him understand life in Waknuk from different outlooks. In //The Chrysalids//, David's interpretation of Waknuk's society is altered by his relationship with Sophie, Aunt Harriet and Petra.

V4 - Humans can build relationships beyond any animal. Relationships can help David with his life. (__needs editing__) Considering how rapidly they have evolved since their existance, should humans even be considered normal animals? Whether it be their innate ability to think and create, or solve any problems they face, humans demonstrate a clear understanding of most things they are presented with. Humans are changing the face of the Earth, filling themselves with knowledge and passion to be more than they already are. Humans are able to accomplish feats far beyond any other animal's comprehension, from building cities for many people to live in, to finding cures for disease. But, beyond all of this, they possess another important complexion that sets them far apart from any animal. It is their ability to show love and compassion, and build relationships based on bonding and not breeding for survival. Relationships not only help humans learn more about each other and everything around them, but also about themselves. Therefore, relationships are a very important aspect that helps David see beyond the veil Waknuk is in. In //The Chrysalids,// David's interpretation of Waknuk's society is altered by his relationship with Sophie, Petra and Aunt Harriet. I like V3 better than V4. The biggest challenge is that you need to funnel into the novel sooner than your do (your thesis). Rework the structure and you should be good. Please read V2 and compare it to V3: huge difference

-Possibly useful quote: The human species is made up of seven billion subspecies each consisting of one specimen. ~Robert Brault -Considering using #4...

Draft #1 David's binding friendship with Sophie is a window into a mutant's world, and makes him reconsider whether Waknuk is such a great place anymore. The last part of this sentence needs rephrasing. For example, " and makes him ponder consider if Waknuk is still a sanctuary of perfection " Use extensive vocabulary. Sophie is David's first true best friend, before and after he finds out about her slight mutation. I suggest you reword this sentence to something like this: "Even before and after Sophie's reveal of her mutated foot to David, David becomes and stays as her true best friend. He does not care that Sophie's position challenges everything describe briefly what ' everything ' is - What if the reader has not read the book and does not intend to? he is being taught, and wants to stay friends no matter what happe n s (pg. 52). Capitalizing upon that, their relationship in fact grows stronger once he acknowledges Sophie's situation (knows), because secrets don't need to be kept and he makes promises to both Sophie and her mother Does this not contradict what you are saying? Making the promise is keeping a secret - Which contradicts your message in the previous sentence (it does not, Sophie doesn't have to hide anything, and promise to never tell, two different secrets :P) (pg. 12). David learns that Sophie's slight mutation doesn't make her less than human. Before he found out about her sixth toe, David still had plenty as much fun playing with Sophie as he does after he discovered her sixth toe. This is demonstrated when they go sliding down hills (pg. 7) and fishing (pg. 43), both of which let David experience pleasant (fun) times with Sophie. He learns Sophie can still smile, have fun and feel emotions like a regular girl, despite her mild condition. David's friendship with Sophie is what eventually leads him up to the point where he realizes he doesn't belong in Waknuk. The society of Waknuk prejudices all mutants to be the same abnormal, revolting freaks when they can all be unique individuals who actually could contribute to Waknuk's society. "The human species is made up of seven billion subspecies each consisting of one specimen," explains Robert Brault, who tries to teach that each and every human is a unique person. David no can longer accept the cruelty exhibited towards harmless human beings with such minor defects. As a result, David makes a decision to run away at a young age, explaining how his understanding of Waknuk grows from such a friendship (pg. 56). The experiences David shares with Sophie inspires him to approach one with respect ( or explain how he was changed) (changes him on the inside) and teaches him never to judge a book by it's cover. analyze in present tense. solid arguments
 * Body Paragraph #1: Sophie**

Draft #2: David's binding friendship with Sophie is a window into a mutant's world, and makes him reconsider whether Waknuk is the sanctuary of perfection is makes itself out to be (I don't know, kind of long). Sophie is David's first friend, and continues to be even after he discovers the slight mutation on her foot. He does not care that Sophie's position is a challenge to the rules about mutants he has been taught, and wants to stay friends no matter what happens (pg. 52). Capitalizing upon that, their relationship in fact grows stronger once he is aware of Sophie's situation, because Sophie would no longer have to keep a secret from David. David learns that Sophie's slight mutation doesn't make her than human. Before David found out about Sophie's toe, they had plenty of fun. The pleasant times are not lost after he discovers the sixth toe either, which is demonstrated on page seven and 43 where they go sliding down hills and fishing. David realizes that Sophie can still smile, have fun, and feel emotions like a regular girl despite her mild condition. David's friendship with Sophie is what eventually leads him up to the point where he realizes he doesn't belong in Waknuk. The society of Waknuk prejudices all mutants to be the same abnormal, revolting freaks when they can all be unique individuals who actually could contribute to Waknuk's society. "<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The human species is made up of seven billion subspecies each consisting of one specimen," explains Robert Brault, who tries to teach that each and every human is a unique person. David no can longer accept the cruelty exhibited towards harmless human beings with such minor defects. As a result, David makes a decision to run away at a young age, explaining how his understanding of Waknuk grows from such a friendship (pg. 56). The experiences David shares with Sophie teachers him never to judge a book by it's cover.

Draft #1: A woman's ability of creating relationships is so strong that even indirect relationships are a large enough to influence and (to) change a person's life. David and Aunt Harriot do not see a lot or know much about each other, yet it is felt that the two would portray a better family than David and his own mother. For instance, Aunt Harriot came to defend her child no matter if the child was a mutant. Emily is a woman who would instantly banish a mutant child, even if it was her own. Ironically, this is a situation that could fit David, who is considered a mutant and would be banished by his mother but (or) protected by Aunt Harriet. In addition, (Also,) when David first saw Aunt Harriot (need pg. #) he was enthralled by how she looked more calm and had a better approach to appreciating life (seemed to love life,) as opposed to his own frightful mother.
 * Body Paragraph #2: Aunt Harriot**

Draft #2 (continued): A woman's ability of creating relationships is so strong that even indirect relationships can be influential enough to change a person's life. Aunt Harriet and David had a relationship that started the second David's eyes caught her entering his house. When Aunt Harriet nears towards his house, David makes note of her soft appearance in comparison to his mother. Read this sentence out loud to yourself. < . Does it make sense? How could David make note of her softness by the way she is walking toward his house? "I used to feel when I look at her that I was seeing my mother as she might have been - as, I thought, I would like her to be," states David, regarding her appearence. This seems like a run-on sentence. Simplify your sentence: states David. This quote indicates David's explaintion of Aunt Harriet's soft appearance and tone. Or simply take out 'to explain the ease.. because you're explaining it in the next sentence. His appreciation for her simple qualities indicates how fond he is of Aunt Harriet in comparison to his mother. Aunt Harriet The beginning of this sentence is a bit confusing. Try rephrasing, but gives hope that not all of Waknuk is completely brainwashed by Joseph Strorm's teachings. Aunt Harriet steadily answers to Joseph, "Why should I? I've done nothing to be ashamed of. I am //not// ashamed - I am only beaten." Her confidence in her answer how she distinguishes herself from any other Waknuk woman, The rest of this sentence is unecessary. ... any other Waknuk woman. Period. who may have responded to Joseph with frightful apologies. Aunt Harriet believes that she had done no wrong, and had hit an epiphany when she realizes that Waknuk has confused her all along. Beginning - What do you mean by beginning? Rephrase the previous sentence. Watch your grammar and present tense Consequently, the only escape was suicide, unecessary or rephrase to avoid run-on sentences which she committed, hoping that her wishes may be carried on, "I shall pray God to send charity into this hideous world, and sympathy for the weak, and love for the unhappy and unfortunate..." Aunt Harriet's indirect relationship with David was strong enough to haunt David and question his own identity. Watch your past tense! Essays are to be written in present tense. Or.. if i'm wrong, ask Mr. A for details David saw how horribly Aunt Harriet ended, and did not want his abilities to conflict the same conclusion. ( OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. ) (didn't want his mutant identity to do the same). "Please, please God, let me be like other people..." David prays at night hoping God will simply withdraw his powers. Do not make your essay seem cheesy and cliche! Use ' abilities ' or something else rather than powers. David envisioned Aunt Harriet lying in the water eyes wide open but dead, yet the people of Waknuk seem to be blinded while living. I don't understand this sentence. Rephrase or expand more. Indirect relationships seem to be the most ineffective, yet in David's situation, helped him turn his fear of mutants into understanding.

Watch you present tense in this paragraph. As well, don't use conjunctions like DON'T but rather DO NOT. Watch your use of commas!!! Do not create run-on sentences and get to the point! Use clarity!!! -another point: aunt harriet is an example where even mutant affiliation is changing, but changed her more than the baby unlike sophie and david.

<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Draft #3: <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A woman's ability of creating relationships is so strong that even indirect relationships can be influential enough to change a person's life. Aunt Harriet and David had a relationship that started the second David's eyes caught her entering his house. When Aunt Harriet nears towards his house, David makes note of her soft appearance in comparison to his mother. "I used to feel when I look at her that I was seeing my mother as she might have been - as, I thought, I would like her to be," states David, regarding her appearence. Aunt Harriet believes that she did no wrong, and hits an epiphany when she realizes that Waknuk has been blinding her with lies. When Joseph Strorm questions her judgement based on shame, she responds, "Why should I? I've done nothing to be ashamed of. I am //not// ashamed - I am only beaten." The confidence in her answer is a clear demonstration of how she no longer believes in Waknuk's religion. Aunt Harriet's indirect relationship with David is strong enough to haunt David and have him question his own identity. David saw how horribly Aunt Harriet ended, and did not want his abilities to conflict the same conclusion. "Please, please God, let me be like other people..." David prays at night hoping God will simply withdraw his gifts. David envisions Aunt Harriet lying in the water eyes wide open but dead, and is frightened. However, this dream is a message to readers that Aunt Harriet isn't blind when dead, yet Waknuk citizens are alive and confused. Indirect relationships seem to be the most ineffective, yet in David's situation, helped him turn his fear of mutants into understanding.

Draft #1: David's relationship with Petra reveals the cruel ways in which Waknuk brainwashes ( ﻿ blinds) everyone, especially young children. When David spends time with Petra, he realizes how carefree and happy she can be. Petra would consistently go exploring (104) with her pony, showing how she's just a small child rapidly learning How does a pony have to do with learning????. Petra's first intentional thought shape was a cute fish with a droopy tail, something quite childish __yet a sign she's still maturing__ Sentence does not flow not yet a sign but a sure sign that she is still maturing. In the same way, Petra's unawareness can be a problem as her powers are quite powerful and dangerous for any other telepaths who happen to feel one of her loud "projections" you don't previously mention she is unaware it seems sudden and choppy. David begins to realize that Petra's young and blank mind is a canvas for Waknuk to fill with lies about deviations and purity Good sentence .Because of this, she does not know about how Waknuk is dishing out the injustice and the mutants are innocent. Sounds like a runon sentence. "Why should they be afraid of us? We aren't hurting them, (pg.44)" wonders Petra You have to introduce a quote read quoting tips. This quote explains how little she knows about the way Waknuk deals with mutants. Moreover, she cannot even that sounds wierd (grasp upon) the concept that she herself is a mutant. On page 133 the readers discover thst mutants are actually just a metaphor for monsters, used to frighten children into believing what they are taught. David's outlook on Waknuk had never been the perfect utopia, however, with Petra, he sees that the people Waknuk will continue to believe that they are a pure, ultimate form and that he cannot change it Runon sentence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Petra is one of the reasons why he must escape from Waknuk, since any time longer will fully corrupt Petra's mind. Sounds strange consider revising. Needs strengthening
 * Body Paragraph #3: Petra**

Draft #2: David's relationship with Petra reveals the cruel ways in which Waknuk brainwashed everyone, especially young children. When David spends time with Petra, he realizes how carefree and happy she can be. Petra consistently goes exploring (104) with her pony, showing how she's just a small child with high amounts of curiousity. Petra's first intentional thought shape was a cute fish with a droopy tail, something quite childish and a sure sign she is still maturing. In the same way, Petra's unawareness can be a problem as her powerful abilities can be a pain to the other telepaths of Waknuk. David begins to realize that Petra's young and blank mind is a canvas for Waknuk to fill with lies about deviations and purity. Because of this empty void in her head, Petra has been convinced that mutants are monsters and not actual people on the inside. Her confusion upon mutants is demonstrated when she questions, "Why should they be afraid of us? We aren't hurting them, (144)". This quote explains how little she knows about the way Waknuk handles mutants in the town. Furthermore, she cannot even grasp upon the concept the she, herself is a mutant. On page 133 the readers discover that mutants are actually just a metaphor for "monsters", used to frighten children into believing what they are taught. Petra is a clear mirror to David's own past, and how she is being brainwashed is the same way David would have been if he did not have the guidance of his telepathic friends and Uncle Axel. However, through his relationship with Petra, he realizes that Waknuk will corrupt her mind even further, and it is why they must leave.

Draft #1: Sophie, Aunt Harriet and Petra have all made contributions to David's life by changing his view upon Waknuk. Whether it be through direct relationship with a mutant, or by seeing someone's life instantly change because of a mutant, David's outlook has matured and evolved beyond Waknuk's lies. Sophie is David's friend despite her mutant identity, and explains that mutants are just normal people on the inside. Aunt Harriet is an example of how Waknuk will express their message by showing cruelty to those even affiliated with mutants. Lastly, Petra is David's way unto seeing how Waknuk is blind and will persist to have their people be the same way, and will not evolve if that continues. David's relationships are the factors that made him who he is at the end of the novel, and leaves readers thinking, "what if?" What if David didn't have relationships with these women, could he end up as just another unjust man like Joseph Strorm? Men are from mars, and women are from Venus. Men, like mars, can be ruthless and uneasy at times, and can appear to dominate the women and Venus. However, Venus is the "bigger planet", and in the end, true love and relationships with others is what will allow people to grow to be a "bigger" person. Intro: Women are different from men. They can build relationships a lot more easily. Relationships are key to the life of David, him being a special child.
 * Conclusion**
 * __4. Essay Outline__**

Sophie: His first true friend, before any telepathy. Bonds he could build with her were truly human, no mental powers. Saw who she was, not what she looked like. First true encounter with mutants. Realized how her life can't be normal, and how unfair her kind is treated.

Petra: First sister that he could truly bond with. Realizes she's a mutant too. He realizes her carefree spirit, and how confused she truly is by the people of Waknuk. Explains to her that mutants aren't bad, she understands. Knows how bad Waknuk is, will even capture and harass poor young girl.

Aunt Harriot: Felt something special with her, without actually talking. Her love for life and willing to protect everything she loves captivates David. Shows how women can bond with men without the need of contact. His vision of the small blemish (mole) shows David that Waknuk needs perfection, yet cannot be perfect despite their efforts. They are far from perfect with their ways. Aunt Harriot would rather die than live knowing she followed the society of such injustice. Aunt Harriot's understanding of world enthralls david. Important spiritual aspect e.g. her prediction of the hearts of self-righteous be broken (Joseph) when in reality later on, Joseph get's arrow through upper-left chest, where his heart his. Therefore it's broken literally.


 * __5. First Draft of Your Essay__**
 * <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Some people say that m en are from Mars and women are from Venus. This short but witty quote can be a simple representation concerning the differences between men and women. Mars represents the god of war, and is an easy way to explain how men can resort to more forceful methods when it comes to resolving conflicts. On the other hand, women are known for their compassion and bonds with all people. This is why they are said to originate from Venus, since she is the goddess of love. The women in //The Chrysalids// are no different than women in today's society, in that they still develop strong, life changing relationships. This innate ability to bond and build relationships that the women have is the brick and mortar that seals together the protagonist's (David) life. David's relationship with three women aid him in seeing through the thick veil that Waknuk has created, and lets him understand life in Waknuk from different outlooks. I<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">n //The Chrysalids//, David's interpretation of Waknuk's society is altered by his relationship with Sophie, Aunt Harriet and Petra. <span style="color: #ff0000; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Great intro!!! proud of you for your perseverance!!! **

<span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;">David's binding friendship with Sophie is his first window into a mutant's world, and makes him reconsider whether Waknuk is the sanctuary of perfection it appears to be. Sophie is David's first friend, and continues to be even after he discovers the slight mutation on her foot. He does not care that Sophie's position is a challenge to the rules about mutants he has been taught, and wants to stay friends no matter what happens (52). Capitalizing upon that, their relationship in fact grows stronger once he is aware of Sophie's situation, because Sophie would no longer have to keep a secret from David. David learns that Sophie's slight mutation doesn't make her than human. Before David found out about Sophie's toe, they had plenty of fun. The pleasant times are not lost after he discovers the sixth toe either, which is demonstrated on page seven and 43 where they go sliding down hills and fishing. Through all of this, he realizes that Sophie can still smile, have fun, and feel emotions like a regular girl despite her mild condition. David's friendship with Sophie is what eventually leads him up to the point where he realizes he doesn't belong in Waknuk. The society of Waknuk prejudices all mutants to be the same abnormal, revolting freaks when they can all be unique individuals who actually could contribute to Waknuk's society. "<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The human species is made up of seven billion subspecies each consisting of one specimen," explains Robert Brault, who tries to teach that each and every human is a unique person. David no can longer accept the cruelty exhibited towards harmless human beings with such minor defects. "I'm going to run away (56)," is David's announcement to Uncle Axel, which explains how influential his friendship was with Sophie. The experiences David shares with Sophie teachers him never to judge a book by it's cover.

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A woman's ability of creating relationships is so strong that even indirect relationships can be influential enough to change a person's life. Aunt Harriet and David had a relationship that started the second David's eyes caught her entering his house. When Aunt Harriet nears towards his house, David makes note of her soft appearance in comparison to his mother, "I used to feel when I look at her that I was seeing my mother as she might have been - as, I thought, I would like her to be,(69)". Aunt Harriet believes that she has done no wrong for requesting a temporary baby switch (70), and hits an epiphany when she realizes that Waknuk has been blinding her with lies. When Joseph Strorm questions her judgement based on shame, she responds, "Why should I? I've done nothing to be ashamed of. I am //not// ashamed - I am only beaten.(72)" The confidence in her answer is a clear demonstration of how she no longer believes in Waknuk's religion. Aunt Harriet's indirect relationship with David is strong enough to haunt David and have him question his own identity. David saw how horribly Aunt Harriet ended, and did not want his abilities to conflict the same conclusion. "Please, please God, let me be like other people..." David prays at night hoping God will simply withdraw his telepathic gifts. David envisions Aunt Harriet lying in the water eyes wide open but dead, and is frightened. However, this dream is a message to readers that Aunt Harriet can finally see even though she is dead, yet Waknuk citizens are still alive and still confused. Waknuk's inhumanity to even a tiny, innocent baby strikes a note in David's heart to how unjust Waknuk can be. Indirect relationships have a reputation of being the least effective, yet in David's situation, helps him turn his fear of mutants into an understanding.

David's relationship with Petra reveals the cruel ways in which Waknuk brainwashed everyone, starting with young children. When David spends time with Petra, he realizes how carefree and happy she is, just as a normal child should be. Petra goes exploring beyond the set boundaries (104) with her pony, showing how she's just a small child with high amounts of curiousity. Her first intentional thought shape was a cute fish with a droopy tail, something quite childish and a sure sign she is still maturing (113). In the same way, Petra's unawareness can be a problem as her powerful abilities can occasionally be a pain to the other telepaths of Waknuk. David begins to realize that Petra's young and blank mind is a canvas for Waknuk to fill with lies about deviations and purity. Because of this empty void in her head, Petra has been convinced that mutants are just savages and not actual people on the inside. Even David's telepathic friends found it hard comprehend that mutants are normal people (53) when they were younger. Her confusion upon mutants is demonstrated when she questions, "Why should they be afraid of us? We aren't hurting them, (144)". This quote explains how little she knows about the way Waknuk handles mutants in the town. On page 133 the readers discover that mutants are actually just a metaphor for "monsters", used to frighten children into believing what they are taught. Petra is a clear mirror to David's own past, and how she is being brainwashed is the same way David would have been if he did not have the guidance of his telepathic friends and Uncle Axel. However, through his relationship with Petra, he realizes that Waknuk will corrupt her mind even further, and it is why they must leave.

Sophie, Aunt Harriet and Petra have all made contributions to David's life by changing his view upon Waknuk. Whether it be through direct relationship with a mutant, or by seeing someone's life instantly change because of a mutant, David's outlook has matured and evolved beyond Waknuk's lies. Sophie is David's friend despite her mutant identity, and explains that mutants are just normal people on the inside. Aunt Harriet is an example of how Waknuk will express their message by showing cruelty to those even affiliated with mutants. Lastly, Petra is David's way unto seeing how Waknuk is blind and will persist to have their people be the same way, and will not evolve if that continues. David's relationships are the factors that made him who he is at the end of the novel, and leaves readers thinking, "what if?" What if David didn't have relationships with these women, could he end up as just another unjust man like Joseph Strorm? Men are from mars, and women are from Venus. Men, like mars, can be ruthless and uneasy at times, and can appear to dominate the women and Venus. However, Venus is the "bigger planet", and in the end, true love and relationships with others is what will allow people to grow to be a "bigger" person.

<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">- <span style="background-color: #ff00ff; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Katrina Cirone <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">- <span style="background-color: #ff0000; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Cameron So <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">- <span style="background-color: #0000ff; color: #ffffff; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Xiang Li
 * __<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">6. Peer Comments - Group Members __**

<span style="background-color: #ff00ff; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Katrina Cirone - Introduction Paragraph <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">1.Does the introduction paragraph grab your attention? Does it anticipates an insightful thesis? <span style="background-color: #ff00ff; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Good start using a quote however it is kind of vage. It might be better if it was just a bit more specific. Try rewording some of the imfromation making it flow better. <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">2.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay? <span style="background-color: #ff00ff; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The argument is not developed strong enough. Are you just trying to say that women are compassionate? Try to say mare about how they play a large role in society and shape people and aid them in decision making. Try to elaborate more on their bonding with others.

<span style="background-color: #ff0000; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Cameron So - Body Paragraphs <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">1.How well are the quotations integrated and analysed? Have they been chosen with care and taken from a variety of chapters? <span style="background-color: #ff0000; color: #ffffff; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">There aren't any quotes from the book that I have found at this time. There are page numbers indicated when a sentence refers to a scene in the body paragraphs. I suggest you begin finding these quotes and begin phrasing them properly inserting them into your paragraphs. <span style="background-color: #ff0000; color: #ffffff; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">On the good note, I look forward to be reading the rest of your body paragraphs. Keep up the good work! <span style="background-color: #ff00ff; color: #ffffff; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">﻿ review how you are introducing your quotes. Sometimes you give a random page number and talk about it. Mr. A will not have the book with him when editing I think. "I MAY BE WRONG OR SIMPLY MISUNDERSTOOD THIS IS JUST ONE OPINION." <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">2.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay? <span style="background-color: #ff0000; color: #ffffff; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Developing the argument of the essay is arguably intense and hard. At this time, the points are structured well and the arguments are solid and to the point. However, I suggest finding vocabulary that can help create a more professional character to the essay.

<span style="background-color: #0000ff; color: #ffffff; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Xiang Li - Concluding Paragraph <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">1.Does the conclusion include a reworded thesis, summary. <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">2.Does the conclusion have a memorable ending? <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">3.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?

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 * __<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">7. Good Copy in MLA format __**

<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">